“Christmas in July” is a ridiculous Hallmarkification, perpetuated by a corporate desire to maximize the commodification of the holidays. Soap box aside – for better or worse, Christmas comes earlier every year, as exemplified by my neighbor’s 10 ft. Santa Claus currently dandifying my cull-de-sac. How does this pertain to the Winnipeg Jets?
The old proverb, “If you can’t beat them, join them” is a personal credo, so why not celebrate Christmas a bit early by dolling out some holiday gifts for the Winnipeg Jets. Even millionaire athletes need gifts, so let’s get generous:
Giving Gifts to the Winnipeg Jets
Dylan DeMelo: Dylan receives fully paid and vetted Lasik eye surgery. While he has returned to defensive form after a shaky start to the season, his miss against the Coyotes on a cavernous open net makes me think Lasik is in order. Tongue and cheek aside, the real gift would be for DeMelo to break his goal scoring slump (November of last year), so that we all get to hear “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan. DeMelo has only 8 goals in his 9-year NHL career so we might be waiting awhile.
Blake Wheeler: It was difficult to procure, but we managed to locate the historic Holy Grail as Blake Wheeler’s gift. For those uninitiated with Medieval literature, it is written that the Holy Grail can give its possessor eternal youth. I might be a game too late however, as Wheeler looked spry against the Kraken and tallied his 300th goal. He looked like the Wheeler of old, so I’ve kept the receipt.
Neal Pionk: We are getting Neal a bag of weed. He needs to mellow out. His offensive contributions are appreciated, but his frenzied style has coined the nickname “Captain Chaos”. We think some good Kush might help settle him down a little and make his game a little more anodyne.
Kyle Connor: Kyle Connor gets an exorcism. While not found at your local Toys “R” Us, I know a guy. Connor has 1 non-empty net goal thus far. At this stage last year (14 games) he had tallied 11 goals on 63 shots with a 17.5% shooting percentage. He is currently 2 for 48 with a 4.2% shooting percentage. He needs some Ace Ventura level of “exercising the demons”.
What Do You Get The Guy Who Has Everything?
Nikolaj Ehlers: I couldn’t find a “Lower Body” new or used for Ehlers, but I’m actively looking. His plight is covered here, but it sounds like whatever he is contending with might require surgery.
Brenden Dillon: Not sure if Dillon is a video game guy, but he is receiving “Mike Tyson’s Punchout”. As seemingly the only active Winnipeg Jets pugilist (Blake Wheeler’s irate meltdown aside) I figure he would appreciate the practice. Last year the Jets fought 24 times over the regular season, and this season a paltry 3 (Morrisey and Dillon X 2).
Connor Hellebuyck: Connor needs a vacation of his choice and probably a back massage after carrying the Jets thus far. I believe if the Jets had sustained any level of continued success over the past 3 years, Hellebuyck would be nearing Hall of Fame eligibility. Unfortunately, goalies that don’t win a Cup are seldom considered, but he has been that good.
Mark Scheifele: What do you get a guy who seemingly has everything this year? My first choice was a book – “How To Swear” by Stephen Wildish, but that would get shelved. I’m going with a Phoenix. He seems to like animals, so a bird works, especially one that symbolizes rising from the ashes.
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Tis the season for merriment, and that is the gift given to Jets fans thus far, so it seemed only fair to reciprocate. Ho Jets Ho.